Good Men, Hurting… a message from the Jasmine King

Bob came to mow the lawn yesterday. I saw him creep through the side gate while I was sorting out my shell collection.

He slunk in hunched and filthy. His sticky white legs poking out of saggy King Gees. Bandy ankles thrust into ratty Blunstones, raw with mud and ash and spit from years of grubby labour.

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Bob looked to be about 60. Dark skinned,  grizzle-eyed, scribbled all over with tats. He was, as we say in Australia, built like a brick shit-house. In other words; Bob is a scary guy.

I decided to approach him with a gentle confidence before he got any ideas about burning down the house, or murdering the dog. I slipped out the French doors, glided over the dehydrated lawn, and was surprised to see, as I stepped up to him beside the jasmine, that Bob was clinging to the fence, crying.

His greased-up flanny was flinching with a wrenching breath. Little muddy rivers were breaking dams along his crinkled-up eyes. It came to me vivid-clear, like a bright star at night, that Bob, thinking no-one was home, had crept inside our pretty garden to be alone, to weep.

I was frozen in my little pink slippers. Stuck out in mid-field, doomed to break this spell, and ashamed of busting in a grown man doing secret grown man business in the delicate, lonely way he had found.

But it was too late.

Bob just about flew out of his skin when he saw me. Tears went scattering in all directions. He had a bit of a job, to muscle up to full size and shake the jasmine blossoms out of his hair, but he got it together and smiled at me, blue eyes flashing like sapphire spiders and said, “Fuck me! Arr didn’ know no-one was ‘ere!”

“Geez! I’m sorry love,” he sniffed, smudging up his face, and wincing in the sharp, unozoned southern light. He took a deep breath, shuddered it out and said, “It’s just I’m so fucking cut up over that thing with the dogs.”

Dogs?

“The greyhounds. It’s all over the news. They’re doin’ real bad things to dogs over greyhoundin China, an’ over here too, it’s even worse. Right here in West Australia! We’re brutalisin’ ’em. All over the place. An’ when we’re done with ’em we’re just injecting em with pesticides, cause it’s cheaper ‘en proper death drugs.

“They showed it all on tv. It’s a hell of a death.

I saw blokes chokin’ them dogs with their boots on their throats while they’re dyin’ like that.

It’s just too much for me. Too much – all of it. I’m sorry. I’ll be right in a minute.”

Bob reckons the whole place has gone mad. He says he’s given up on the human animal. “We’ve gone feral.” he reckons. “It’s a fuckin’ mess,” he says.

“It’s this, and the blokes who got off after raping and killing that Indian girl – how can ya reckon it? The whole lot of it!

I’m desperate when I think what the world will be like for the gran’kids.”

“We’ve just gotta hope that somethin’ – maybe the weather, maybe the war, maybe some kind of bloody god or whatever… puts an end to us. Soon.

So’s the rest of the place can get on in peace.”

Bob is holding a pretty antique plate,  and a posy of gardenia and roses. DSCF1138

“Ere,” he says softly, holding out the flowers. “These are from the wife.”

He  passes the plate over gently too, “This is from your place ‘ere. Your friend gave it to me last week. All the ladies in the street bake me cakes,” he explains shyly.

“I just love cakes, an’ the wife can’t keep up.”

“I come over and do the lawns, tidy things up a bit, and the ladies leave me cakes. It’s a great street, this. – are you here by yerself?

Well ya oughtta come for Christmas! We’d be bloody glad to have yer.” 

I am standing among the bobbing dandelions, holding a bouquet of flowers tied with string, knowing that I am witnessing one of those great treasures in life – a rare moment; a sort of homegrown miracle, actually.

Bob, I can see it, is a great and fine thing. A true and wild blessing – an ordinary bloke.

A man with more love still in him than he knows how to handle.

He’s an endangered animal, actually, and a triumph of our time – a good man, with heart. We need as many of those as we can possibly nurture.

His being in the world, tough and grizzled and mean-eyed as he is, is a great comfort to me, and proof that the role of the Truly Good Man is not being left solely to hippies, or self help writers, or the various New Age wasters who have hijacked the archetype – thank God!

In general, it’s fair and about time we said it: the Bad Man, the Deadbeat dad, the Greed head, the Cruel boss, the Creep, the Wanker, the Yuppy, the War lord, crook, the school Bully, the Traitor, the Sloth, the Yellow Dwarf, the Wolf and the Devil have taken over the bodies of men everywhere.

In short, the Wrong King is sitting in the man’s place in our society – and we all know it!

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This shifting of archetypes is key in the new work of teacher and mystic, Caroline Myss, who I spent a week with in New York last year. Myss spent a good deal of time practically screaming about the terrible impact of sabotage and reversing of human archetypes going on in the culture.

You can see her discussing this sort of thing here. But be warned  – she blows the lid further than I do.

She pointed specifically, for example, at how The Lover has been transformed into The Vampire in movies, books and imagery.

“This is dangerous, dangerous, evil shit!” she said.

Why? Because it is a direct attack on the innate virtue of a human being, on sacred, cosmic intelligence which aligns with Grace and Love, and not with Feeding, Sadism, Sickness and Violence.

What we’ve got, and what Jung says has been creeping up on us since major shifts toward city-living, industry and centralised government in the 12th Century, is a corruption of the archetype of Father, Leader, King and Protector – what the Chinese might call an attack on the Yang forces of life and culture.

But this is much bigger than a gender issue – and I hope you can see that too. Because we are not dealing with a crisis caused by men, or inflicted by men, but actually being done to men, and therefore trickling out to undermine us all.

Masculinity is something the whole culture shares – not only the men. It is a metaphor for traits the Chinese would call Yang; forward-moving, extrovert, bold, sun-oriented, warrior-natured, active, decisive, clear, aggressive, independent and strong.

We associate these strongly with men, but the qualities are obviously and naturally also held and reflected by women, and in the way we all do things – either overtly and strongly, or covertly and gently, which we could call Yin, or feminine: these are qualities, not actual gender roles.

Distortions in this symbolism have been wrongly translated into a gender crisis.

Men have been persecuted and used as slaves by industry, state and church under the crucible of an overly-yang culture, and women are getting sucked down that tube as well. Because we have blamed this on a Patricachy, instead of a culture headed up by men and women, we have fallen into fear of the wrong enemy; men blame each other, women blame men, sons blame fathers, fathers blame their wives, and everybody is distracted from the real source of the problem.

And what is that? Could it be that we are being undermined by a war-driven State that instead of cultivating life on Earth, and enriching its citizens, thrives by devouring the planet and exploiting its living beings – black, white, male, female, children, aged, feathered, forested – all.

Could we have been lead astray, into a Survival of the Sickest cult, instead of a world where the soul is valued and nurtured? You can read about this brilliant hoax on humanity here..

As our leadership models are weakened, we are becoming more ferocious, desperate and cruel – “in this era of consciousness, actually, we have never been more disconnected from ourselves, from spirituality, from the Earth,” says Myss.

The trouble for us today is that we’re bent over buckling, tackling all this as if it were actually personal. We’re carrying deadly wounds inflicted by mothers or fathers who were absent, cold, drunk, violent – or statesmen and CEOs who are, and the damage they have done to us,our Earth and hope, and happiness.

We’re limping over grief and wounds that appear personal, but are way way bigger than our own biographies.

Myss says it like this; “No way! That’s all over now. You can’t turn up saying I’m hurt because daddy didn’t love me, or daddy was a bastard.

What you’ve got to realise is that whatever daddy did, and the daddys before him and before that – was being done through them to ALL of us.

Theirs are the wounds of a culture that WANTED them to fail. That created wars, ideas and politics to ensure they failed, and that we would bare their sins down the generations.

We’re all dealing with wounds and psychic illnesses that are deeply spiritual for the whole creation, for the whole cosmos.

One of the most powerful has been this twisting of our idea of masculine power, and the hobbling of men.

We have inherited a world where men have been tricked out of their goodly role as lovers, fathers, healers, peace-makers, providers, wise-ones, truth-keepers, nourishers, protectors and life-givers – and into the role of gladiator, wage slave and hamster on a wheel driven by industry, and not by spirit.

Good men have been deceived by a devilish deal, and sold their own hearts, souls and happiness to a world that promised them riches, but left them cold and mean, or crying in the jasmine.

This culture encouraged men to cultivate coolness at heart, make bad trades, errors of judgement, choose the tv over real life, turn a blind eye to need or injustice, indulge in vanity, lust for ‘things’, abandon their children, siphon power from servile wives (or ambitious sirens),  and just generally degrade themselves out of true power and happiness.

This creeping in of sick values and sneaking out of the Great Male Qualities in our families, streets, councils, corporations and governments is the secret wound that festers as the swords fly in our world.

Women are in on it too, when they masculinise themselves at the cost of others. When they fillet their homes, their marriages, their ‘networks’ for profit and security, instead of nurturing that most precious of all female powers – true love. And when they fail to ally with their husbands, sons and brothers against the whispers of a culture which, at its dread root, nurses a war on the love between man and woman.

Why? Because if you can cut humanity right there – in the guts, the heart, the crutch of our most holy longing – that of union between the Great Mother (Earth) and the Great Father (Humanity) principles – you’ve got a lost species that will shop, work, war and drive a billion industries with its grief and anxiety.

“The basic discovery about any people is the discovery of the relationship between its men and its women.”  Pearl S. Buck

What peace is lost between loving men and women, between children and parents, and in the private worlds of individuals is the base essence our culture. This modern world alchemises our anxiety, ambition, fear, cruelty and greed into the unholy oil that drives the economy, governments, the ideology of war, and loss of spirituality.

Add to this an off-planet, war-backed Christian/ Jewish Father God, separated from life on Earth except to issue Commandments, exact revenge, demand total  worship and allow his son – the Good Man –  to be brutally murdered on the planet… and it’s not a very encouraging picture for men, is it?

It has been like this longer than we have been at war over oil. And if you want to fight against terrorism, then get this – the root of all this crap is in the constant temptation and slaughtering of the basic humanity in us all – what Myss calls our natural, spiritual intelligence.

Good men, as we all so well know, are truly hard to find. Partly because those who remain have disguised themselves as dangerous yobbos, to keep Other People away, and partly because unknown numbers are presumably scattered about the place, quietly crying in the shrubbery, or in bars, offices, traffic jams and sheds.

It’s also because, as boys and young men, those qualities of really feeling it, of being open, of being tender, of caring, intuiting and being vulnerable are bashed out of them by a society that favours a more ruthless kind of man. And his twin, the more ruthless kind of woman, too.

Boys get it at a very young age in Western culture – it is not ok to care. You will get the shit kicked out of you if you do.

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If they are not bullied into being cold, tough, hidden or viscous at school, chances are their dads were, and will do the job themselves.

Breaking in boys is standard brutality in our culture – through sport, or the glamorisation of ‘cool’, of reason, competitive learning, of war games, of indifference to nature, of the normalising of porn, violence and money.

Dads who don’t abandon their boys through work or booze or divorce – thereby pulling the wings off their natural masculinity by denying them the model and protection of a loving, loyal, honourable father – might stick around to bash their sons into becoming ‘real men’, because it was done to them, and they don’t know any better.

Girls work out too, that it pays to wise up, to crack the social codes for power and influence by either attaching themselves to its male sources, or sizing up to fight for a share themselves – and thereby abuse their own Yang force. The feminist movement has been on that wagon for ages as women merrily stab each other in the back in pursuit of security, and I, myself, am sick of it.

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Women have been bitching and moaning and wringing their manicured fingers over the injustices of the patriachy for decades now, and the so-called boys’ club they want in on – oblivious to the scaffold of male bones, brutalised boys, and shattered men, betrayed and abandoned on the killing fields of war and industry they’re climbing on.

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How do women, who keep blaming men for the mess we’re in, ignore the collective wail of millions upon millions of men of all races who have been marched out and slaughtered, stolen and enslaved by the society they now aim to succeed in?

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They forget that the fashion is for men to go bad. To have their hearts crushed early, so they can go to work, man up in the world, fight for a dollar, bring home the bacon, wrangle the rats and keep the noose firmly at their throats so they don’t choke on the horrors they see in the world.

Good men are few between, because we murder them in their beds before they’re 12.

The ones who survive it are running like foxes from the fear-machine of society, and desperately searching for a light – a true light – to head for. Many have learned that not all women who glow are golden.

And I have learned that too.

We’re going through a dark time on the little planet, Earth. The signs are reversed, the balance all kallywonkers. Things are dying everywhere, or medicating themselves to Lalaland.

The waters are rising, the forests are burning, the leadership looking more all the time like a pack of hyenas and here in Australia, at least one person dies every day by their own hand, because they just can’t handle the misery that’s being dished up as a human experience.

Or is it that they’re grief-stricken, actually? – their hearts opening up amid a chaos of gunfire and cruelty and callous social climbing, and they can’t find a good man, a real man, a proper hero – crying in their garden, to help show them the way.

This is a mass crisis. In 2012 in West Australia, one of the richest, most beautiful places in the world, suicide was the leading cause of death for men and women between the ages of 15 and 44. More people were killed by their own hands than by skin cancer or road accidents.

This tells how many people are wrestling with pain, are onto the fact that things are not what they seem, and haven’t found a light to navigate by.

In my own world here, I am oddly proud to say that about half my friends are on anti-depressants. A good slab are on whiskey, porn or Deepak Chopra audio books – which is about the same thing. I’m observing it all with love, because they’ve got hearts that keep blooming, even if they haven’t quite worked out how to deal with that power yet.

Most are desperately searching for a Good Man, an Ordinary Bloke, a proper Father Figure to show them how to use their natural born power with fair aim and gentleness of heart. In this quest, sadly, most are as yet, in another great Australian phrase… completely fucking lost.

Their fathers are gone, unavailable, uninterested or just plain incapable. These are men who often tore off their own wings for corporate success, or to survive whatever war games were required to please their ambitious wives, or flee their own heart-ache and terror of ending up sobbing in the jasmine.

Myss says the archetype of the Good Man is under a spell. He is in the power of a social cult run by a greed machine, out of control.

Of my mates, a fair hunk are numb, resigned or confused.  And there’s a handful who get around teaching workshops about healing, or being heroic, or becoming virtuous, or whatever, while secretly navigating their own ships through extremely narrow straits of total hypocrisy.

There are powerful black women getting the sneaky feeling that something still stinks around here, and experts in sustainable science gone saggy with despair over the social change circus. There are feminist motivators and spiritual entrepreneurs who just irritate the living shit out of me, and a LOT of people who really care – who worry about polar bears, and Aboriginals, and poor people, and stuff…. who are, like, totally into the idea of actually giving a shit – but are secretly just pulling the wings off fairies.

They’ve made the trade already. They’ve exchanged their feeling selves, the open, tender crush of being actually human at a time like this – for the practical business of getting on with it, of taking care of number one, of stealing whatever fire will bring them power, wealth and the stark refuge of status in a society that actually values the cut throat higher than the gentle heart.

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49 thoughts on “Good Men, Hurting… a message from the Jasmine King

  1. Thank you so much Jasmine that is one loaded and worthy topic of discussion and yes often missed fallen under the radar, covered up by what seems more pressing issues in life. I really appreciate your rawness and honesty and openness and really felt into what you shared deeply from your own heart. Changing how we perceive men and approaching and treating them with unconditional love and tenderness most importantly while they are young. How to educate men and women in this may take some time but you got to start somewhere hence why I am sharing this on all my social media, bright blessings to you sister and being a truth sayer with a courageous heart ❤

    1. Thank you… yes, how to change things, what to do, what next???
      I am swimming deep into this topic and hope I can swim back with a golden ball, or at least a soft light to throw on it.
      I’ve interviewed many many men over this topic lately, and the out-pouring of sadness is unanimous so far. Mostly, they either blame their wives, or the machinery of work, which is often fair enough. But I think, as I say, this is a cultural program, written higher up in the field, specifically designed to bleed good men dry. Fundamentally, either their fathers betray them, or their careers do – and there appears to be a rogue wave of men out there, looking to over-throw this. many of them are idiots, predating in the New Age and yoga movement for the Lost Soul dollar, many are killing themselves, and many are courageously out there, demanding some sort of help!
      I’m on their side.

      1. great article and posts in response. what humanity is nurturing through rediscovering, dusting off the wisdom embodied in rites of passage work is worth considering. mkp.org is a good place to begin with for men. there are something like 6or 700 men in perth who have completed this initiation. ordinary blokes. highly encourage anyone interested to consider this work. a worldwide brohood. ongoing work. humbling. humbled.

        1. This sounds wonderful, and I am very happy to know this kind of thing is happening for men right here in Perth! I wonder if there is a way I could write a piece about the sort of outcomes and benefits? to perhaps share the word and keep this topic open since there seems to be such a lot or yearning, and interest. Please could you let me know if that is possible somehow?

  2. Thank you so much for this beautiful powerful writing. Have shared and getting rave comments. Where can I read more of your work? Please keep writing in this vein – you are very gifted and serve the resurgence of divine feminine (helping revive and nurture divine masculine) in this most important way. I know you are disparaging of this terminology but I havent known how else to talk about it – so thank you so much for your words – describing this giant cultural malaise differently. The opening picture, of the man weeping in the jasmine, is very strong. Thank you.

  3. Thankyou Passionfruit Cowgirl for speaking so eloquently about something that breaks my own heart. I grew up in the country where there used to be more men like the man in your story. I now work as a Tantric couples therapist, at the non new agey, cool end of the business with a man who is striking a blow for all that you have spoken above. Thank God in our work we attract mostly men whose hearts are still there, covered by suffering but still alive, rather than the ones covered by bullshit. When I shut up long enough and just allow them to be I hear their hearts breaking open, and I feel their love big, wide and so, so deep it brings me to tears every time. These real men need as much support as we can give them to stand and be counted as a source of salvation for the world and free them, and ourselves, from the tyranny of patriarchy and whatever else is getting in the way.

  4. It’s encouraging to read this piece. I see clearly, as you do, that is not the patriarchy that oppresses, it’s a coalition of men and women of privilege.

    I aspire to stand in the place of the good man, in the sense that you describe him. Daily, I feel that the forces ranged against this aspiration are ferocious and hungry. But what’s the choice?

    So I open to everything, and do what I can, and weep when I must.

    My new and now weapons are love, vulnerability and service.

    It feels like Heaven when I get it right.

    1. … now this is the very crux of the topic.
      And I haven’t gone here yet deliberately. But – what are these “forces”, and do they have their own nature? and are they “ferocious and hungry?” It seems to me, after a long long time musing and exploring that everything rests on whether we have ‘enemies’ – actually, and independently, or whether our challenge is a projection of our own ignorance and shadow. This is a very serious question which changes everything with regard to what our choices are.
      What do you think?

      1. I think it is choice itself that is the foundation of all this. Thought itself is in it’s nature separate from the very truth that it attempts to understand but cannot know. It is the dilemma of mankind. All mans problems rest on this issue. We are the only specie that believes we are something we are not. I don’t see a clear answer in any attempt that is worthy to pursue. I don’t feel i need any conclusions whatsoever to live free and consequently true. I am entrapped in eons of conditioned chemistry in the brain i call mine, and it is clearly not mine at all. I walk on uncertain, confused and calm in a world of mind as myth. This is the nature of a universe in a mind that comes and goes. This is what i think, thought and carve onto this page for a moment or two….love reading your views.

  5. This piece is exceptional. The implications on ourselves and on the Earth are that, with dominion comes a callous neglect of the reality that ALL matters; earth, skies, waters, people, plants, everything. And once dominion has been hijacked by dominance, we all lose. This post is entirely on-point and I’d like to share it with the Future Dreaming community. Thank you for your kindness and mercy in bringing this into light.

    1. Yes… oh, the earth, skies, people, plants and everything…. how could we lose our bond to the beautiful-sphere so almost entirely?!
      I’m grateful that you enjoyed the post, and would love to know about the Future Dreaming community…

  6. Hi,

    Whilst I appreciate your sentiment and agree with your premise, I cannot stomach the delivery.
    I wholeheartedly agree that men have been twisted over time (like we all have) to believe that they must be something they are not ( like we all have) and that this needs a great deal of attention.
    I agree that systems, governments, industries, religions and cultures have all played a part in painting an evil picture of men and have forced them to be something they are not.
    I will not go into a discussion about where this originated or by which gender, because I do not want to make this about sexism. But I will highlight that you have written about the trials of men and the imbalance of ying and yang whilst simultaneously degrading the feminine and the fight of feminism. In all honesty you sound like an angry MRA. Whilst there are some feminists out their, through their own life experiences who completely blame men for all the worlds problems, a great deal of feminists are just as much concerned with the plight of boys and men as they are for the plights of girls and women. Because ALL feminists are daughters, sisters, friends, lovers and a great deal are mothers who cry out for a better world for both their daughters AND their sons!
    Women are just as much, if not the greater victim of the manipulation of men. Women are the ones who are raped, murdered and tortured the world over, who are degraded, taken for granted and objectified. This is a basic fact of statistics, but does that take away from the needs of men? No, because until empathy is given equally and the gaps in privilege overcome, equality will never exist. This means acknowledging that specific groups are more margenalised and require more attention than others. For example, children who are victims of the sex slave trade in 3rd world countries require a great deal more to receive true equality than that which middle class men need. Does this mean that men don’t have disadvantages, no. They do and they need to be recognised, but until you accept that distribution of energy must be proportional to need, you will simply contribute to inequality and the cycle that thrives on it.

    1. Geez….. are you, by any slight chance.. either a woman, or an American… or what?
      It seems like we agree, but you’ve got your claws out for a bit of a swipe anyway…. geeeez……
      It’s exactly this sort of nasty bitch-slappery that put me off anything much to do with big F feminists. They’re always going on about being ‘degraded’, and about their ‘fight’, and defending their territory as ‘victims’, and it’s just, you know… boring.
      And yeah, you’re right, I suppose I am a bit angry sometimes about the things I observe and write about. generally I use that energy to pour into my listening and my attention to others’ stories and my writing. Sometimes I use it to draw a line in the sand, set a boundary, say it straight out – ’cause that’s the job of a writer, isn’t it?
      So, a question to you, oh gender-less critic – in your view, what then, do you think might be worth getting angry about? or is ‘angry’ just ‘bad’, and not to be accepted, especially from a woman…
      If you feel into what I’m saying you will see that I’m concerned that it’s really time for us all to be lowering our guards and easing into what it is to be human – to re-connect to nature, to put down arms, to stop fighting, to quit all this ‘ism’ing, being used as pawns in whatever ‘war’ we sign up to, and get on board with A Beautiful Stand for kindness, compassion, tenderness for all things. That’s it. Like I said, you’re apparently on the same team. So why the claws, kitty?

      1. Hi,

        I had a bit of a giggle at the kitty comment at the end. Thank you for that (no sarcasm intended in that, it’s so hard to convey tone through text)

        Yes, I think we are perhaps on the same “team.” However I believe you have misinterpreted my writing.

        You see, I do not believe there are any teams. We are all in this together, but we have been torn apart at the seams. By hating and fighting and degrading one another to very different degrees.

        For instance, you write “If you feel into what I’m saying you will see that I’m concerned that it’s really time for us all to be lowering our guards and easing into what it is to be human – to re-connect to nature, to put down arms, to stop fighting, to quit all this ‘ism’ing, being used as pawns in whatever ‘war’ we sign up to, and get on board with A Beautiful Stand for kindness, compassion, tenderness for all things.”

        A beautiful sentiment, something I see as a way forward, a way for empathy to rain and hatred to die. Through the looking glass of compassion. However, in the same block of text you use hate driven, derogatory, stereotypical and ostracising language. For instance in your comment above you stereotype me specifically by assuming that I am either a woman or an american. As though only woman can defend feminists and, I have no idea what the American comment refers to? I could assume that you believe me to sound arrogant as a common stereotype I hear for Americans is that they are arrogant, but never having met one I can’t comment.
        You also comment “is ‘angry’ just ‘bad’, and not to be accepted, especially from a woman.” As though I did not write about the plight of women, and you previously stated “It’s exactly this sort of nasty bitch-slappery that put me off anything much to do with big F feminists. They’re always going on about being ‘degraded’, and about their ‘fight’, and defending their territory as ‘victims’, and it’s just, you know… boring.”
        Which is again derogatory language “bitch-slappery” but also inconsistent with your later sentiment. You say that feminism is boring and essentially that the fight for women’s right to be equal, in all they do and say and how that is received to be unworthy. But then get offended at an assumed slight about women not being allowed to express anger. Do you see the issue?
        It is not your message, but your anger that has blinded your obvious empathy. I get this way also.
        Anger is a beneficial emotion, if we can learn and grown from it in order to heal ourselves and benefit the world. If we allow our anger to cloud our sight and judge others pain because they have not yet become aware of the needs for healing, then we are contributing to the cycle we all fight against.

        My point dear passionfruit is that you cannot fight for yang without strengthening ying. Nor can you expect ying to fight for yang when she is not given a voice. It is not about anger but about empathy. Anger has created the violence we live in, it is time we showed empathy to our selves and to all humankind in order to move forward. Let our anger fuel our compassion and let peace rain, otherwise we will destroy ourselves.
        This means seeing past the stereotypes into the pain of “feminists,” “blacks,” “muslims, “christians,” “youth,” and any other group that is so often ostracised and demonised through mass media and social norms.

        1. You’ve never met an American?
          The plot thickens.
          I don’t know .. but I still get the feeling you’re being adversarial for some reason, as a personal thing, and not really in connection to the topic. I get that you think I have a tendency to “hate driven, derogatory, stereotypical and ostracising language. For instance in your comment above you stereotype me specifically by assuming that I am either a woman or an american” – but I would say, that to have focused on whatever amounts of that spice are in my writing, you would have had to overlook the whole casserole.
          And anyway, my asking if you are a woman, or American, are pretty standard questions – why so offended, Kitty?
          I guess, in my experience, it is women and Americans who tend toward getting hissy over things most others would just let fly.. that’s not a ‘hate’ thing, that’s a being on earth for 4 decades and noticing certain trends thing.
          I’m not sure if this propensity (as I have observed) comes from arrogance, but from a sense of nervousness, exhaustion and fear, actually. These energetics tend to come out all acid and spitfire in a world that has given permission for naturally earnest and kind folk, yoked with over-whelmingly high status and a cliched role on the world stage, to act out.
          On bitch-slappery: it’s a word I invented as a short cut for a set of behaviours and energetics that are well enough known to us all. That such a word can be pulled out of thin air and have meaning, is its own validation. In Australia, we like to call a spade and bloody shovel (as the good Dr Stokes recently highlighted) – it’s a playful way we cut to the bone of an issue.
          I don’t think feminists are boring. I think people who push their victim-status at the cost of the whole picture are dangerous and tiresome, and cruel. I wasn’t allowed through first year Law until I agreed with the History lecturer that all the suffering and hardship in my life, and ALL OF LIFE, was because of Patriachal elites and nasty men who had exploited and under-rated me. I had never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life, but we had to write those papers to pass – and that is why I am skeptical of feminism – apart from having no end of bitchy dramas over the years, which usually men have quietly moderated, or side-stepped or patched me up after.
          But in essence, you are wrong to think I am angry. I am satirical. That’s a different thing.
          And it’s not anger, actually, that has created the imbalance – but the refusal of good people to stand up, to speak, to set boundaries, to defend themselves. If anger releases the creative force that will allow us to say Enough is Enough, then I say let’s have anger instead of nit-picky semantics, shaming of anybody who speaks in anything but dulcet tones, and a weird argument about which esoteric East-Asian metaphors need to be engaged – because that is just silly business.
          I’m not fighting for Yang or Yin. I’m using my writing to share stories, and to encourage people to take a stand.
          It’s funny – and what do you think? – it’s fascinating to notice that even this… just taking a stand, is considered a war-move, or a fight by some…. and therein lies the problem. Meow.

          1. Dear passionfruit,

            I realised after I posted the above that I have met a couple of Americans. Whilst they had good hearts, I could not condone their messages for life.

            I also have no offence at being called a women or an American, taking an offence at being called any form of a human being is simply odd. I love all people, therefore no offence had.

            For me, here is the crux of what you have said “I don’t know .. but I still get the feeling you’re being adversarial for some reason, as a personal thing, and not really in connection to the topic.”

            You also mentioned your first year of law, the feminist lecturers, and your four decades of experience. I get the impression that you would have suffered from the anger of the first wave feminists due to being born during second wave. The first wavers were extremely anger, and rightly so, but this led to some very negative behaviours due to a great amount of pain and trauma (oppression). Subsequently, they (but not all) felt that they needed to “toughen up” the later generations of women, to prepare them for being “in a man’s world.” I personally do not agree with any of this, but it is what happened and we can only learn from that.

            However, I wonder if you have met or talked to many or any real third wave feminists. I dare say you have heard of it or perhaps read some articles, but third wave feminism is much more about true equality than previous waves of feminism. Just like everything in life we have to learn from the mistakes of the past and build upon the foundations we have. Third wave feminism is about the emotional needs and other forms of male inequality and disconnection as well as championing the voices of women and honouring the traditionally feminine. A good brief definition is as follows: “The “grrls” of the third wave stepped onto the stage as strong and empowered, eschewing victimization and defining feminine beauty for themselves as subjects, not as objects of a sexist patriarchy. They developed a rhetoric of mimicry, which appropriated derogatory terms like “slut” and “bitch” in order to subvert sexist culture and deprive it of verbal weapons. The web is an important tool of “girlie feminism.” E-zines have provided “cybergrrls” and “netgrrls” another kind of women-only space. At the same time — rife with the irony of third-wave feminism because cyberspace is disembodied — it permits all users the opportunity to cross gender boundaries, and so the very notion of gender has been unbalanced in a way that encourages experimentation and creative thought.

            This is in keeping with the third wave’s celebration of ambiguity and refusal to think in terms of “us-them.” Most third-wavers refuse to identify as “feminists” and reject the word that they find limiting and exclusionary. Grrl-feminism tends to be global, multi-cultural, and it shuns simple answers or artificial categories of identity, gender, and sexuality. Its transversal politics means that differences such as those of ethnicity, class, sexual orientation, etc. are celebrated and recognized as dynamic, situational, and provisional. Reality is conceived not so much in terms of fixed structures and power relations, but in terms of performance within contingencies. Third wave feminism breaks boundaries.” (http://www.pacificu.edu/about-us/news-events/four-waves-feminism)

            I also like the term “intersectional feminism,” as a better way to describe the above as oppose to “third wave feminism.”

            Some very great examples of third wave feminists are Emma Watson and Malala Yousafzai. I’m sure you know of them.

            I can see that you suffer from the trauma of your own experience and this has, perhaps, tainted your view of the future of feminism as a strong contribute to the awaken of global consciousness. Just as a human body is comprised of many facets in order to work together as a cohesive whole, so to does the global consciousness have many elements. Feminism is one of them, and until we acknowledge the contribution of each positive movement we won’t be able to evolve to the next level of enlightenment where we acknowledge that we are all interconnected and the impact of trauma, oppression and pain effects us all. The effects of human suffering and inequality is the cause for all the ill treatment of the earth and her animal inhabitants.

            I can see the negativity you have experienced and acknowledge your “nervousness, exhaustion and fear,” I see that you have had enough of “the refusal of good people to stand up, to speak, to set boundaries, to defend themselves.” I would argue that anger and violence caused the fear of good people to not stand up, and if so anger against anger will fail.

            The entirety of my argument can be summed up to the point that violence and anger has created the mess we are in, if you are looking for a cure it’s empathy. Not lie down and be walked all over, turn the other cheek type of empathy. But the empathy that says “what you are doing is wrong, I won’t let it happen, but I see your pain so let me help you find a better way.”

            Purr Purr

            1. Oh, I just kneeeeeew you were going to bang on about me being ‘hurt’, and therefore having a distorted vision. Yawn………
              In a nutshell, I love this exchange, but can you see the contrast between the unguarded expression of the other comments, and the wordish, elongated, academic excuses of yours? This is a part of the program that has also keep the good blokes down, because they feel inadequate, and intellectual banter is designed for just that purpose – as anybody who has been involved with serious medical or legal business will know.
              I just don’t want to exchange in that sort of snooker any more, because in the end it is puffed up arrogant and mostly just … flawed.
              To be blunt, and whatever ‘wave’ form they are fashioned in, I maintain that women have been exploiting a scenario of blaming men for our problems, while profiting from that yarn, and I think we’ve all had enough of this being a gender issue.
              It is NOT a gender issue, so the feminist thingo can hopefully get back in its kitty box.
              The issue is a loss of natural born human qualities across the board – so can we please just sit under a tree for about a week, and resume after that, ’cause there’s far too much smarty-pants and not near enough tenderness in a verbal spar.
              Please, just go and stare at the bleary eyes of a working man at your local pub for ten minutes, then write back… x

  7. This was beautifully written and heart felt…but the most powerful thing we can do as women/mothers is to not hand over our infant sons to be circumcised…genital mutilation cuts off the sacred love/trust bond between infant and mother, it creates a lifetime of damage that gets played out here on Earth…and then later, the interplay between the man and woman, gets vastly cut off from deep sacred love because circumcision cuts off the full capacity for sacred cosmic orgasms between the woman/man…the pain of genital mutilation reverberates and damages the Divine Masculine DNA code template…..you want change…? STOP handing over your infants to genital mutilation…!!! Thank you once again, this was wonderfully written piece…timely, and much needed for people to wake up!!! Blessings!!!

    1. I can’t say I remember being circumcised, I was but have no memory of it. I think if damage is done it runs a lot deeper and is a lot more prolonged than a single incidence of circumcision. Grant it I had no choice,my parents with medical staff’s approval did that. I don’t think you can blame all the ills perpetrated by societies on whether they were circumcised or not.

      1. Please everyone seek out on youtube for further study in this area: Jeanice Barcelo on Youtube, and Brother K on FaceBook/youtube….there is a HUGE intactivist movement against circumcision/genital mutilation…I did a radio show hosting Jeanice and she is phenomenal…she knows alot, and it’s her area of study. The pain and debilitating effects of genital mutilation whether remembered or not, lives on in the subconscious, (as well as the collective subconscious which has been severely damaged) and most importantly the Divine Masculine template. Men have been robbed of their birthright, to have deep sacred love with their Goddess, through cosmic orgasms that are pulses of light from the stars up above….gifting out sacred information…Circumcision was carried out by those in power as a way to be able to have soldiers for the wars they dream up, and to carry out a rift between the sacred feminine and masculine, which to date, they have accomplished. You see, the pain memory gets embedded deep into the body/tissues…so anything you have ever had problems with, would stem from this trauma…they also did a study on a infant boy’s brain before and after genital mutilation…and the infants brain never went back to normal, even days later…this is truly scary stuff and not for the faint of heart….this is deeply sorrowful for me to write…and as hard as it is for all of us to really look at this serious issue at hand, someone has to bring it to light for things to change, so here I am ripping the mask off for all to see and learn from, not an easy task……the thing that keeps pulling me back as to why people are trashing our Mother Earth,trashing our food with Monsanto, Mass killing of our beautiful sacred animals for food,pollution,pedophilia,pornography-(denigration of women) mens incessant need for sex (obsessive-compulsive given full permission by our culture) rape, murder,it just all seems to fit as to why there is all this built up anger/rage towards women…no one seems to quite know where it all comes from…it all might ‘seem’ as disconnected dots, but when you see where the pain really began, and why those in power had it carried out…and you draw the lines to each dot…it gives you a very clear picture of why men and women are so disconnected…..when the circumcision is carried out…the infants soul has to leave it’s body because it can’t take the pain…so in essence the full embodiment of the baby’s soul never really comes back inside the body….blessings and thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with everyone….!!!

  8. Wonderful! Heartbreakingly real and beautifully written. I feel this all so deep in my bones it hurts. Yes where to from here…….? Thank you for your insights and courage to share so brilliantly!

      1. The Mankind Project is a worldwide organization. I am just about to join a chapter that meets once per month about 1/2 an hours away from my home. Can’t wait for the retreat in June. Check out the international MKP site, there are also websites linked into it that are regional/national sites. There are also links to women’s organizations on the websites. The MKP is not operating in a vacuum but rather is linked into many other groups that seek to train boys, girls, men, and women to be part of a larger conciousness that will make this a much better word.

      2. Beautiful piece Passionfruit!
        The Man Kind Project is a global organization with close to 60,000 men imitated world wide. Started in 1985
        Men mentoring men through the passages of their lives.
        Typically it starts with a man attending the unitiatory training called the New Wartior Training Advanture. Here men learn experientially what being a man is all about. He learns about his shadows and how to embrace them and rather than repressing them. After the training there are Intergration Groups that men can sit in to continue to deepen their work. A safe place for men to talk about what’s going on in their lives and how they want to show up in for their families, communities and the world.
        It’s truly an amazing organization and I invite every man reading this to attend a weekend. Life will never be the same again.
        http://Www.mkp.org

      3. I can tell you that since my initiation in 2005 I’ve become a better man which makes me a better father. I have the Mankind Project to thank for that. I continue to be involved.

  9. Wise words indeed, very important topic. Thanks for writing all this. I just feel it wasn’t finished. It left me with a sense of hopelessness, which I know was not your intent. Still, I am happy to see another woman who really gets it. Thank you, again.

    1. : ) You’re right.
      I thought it was getting very testing already, at 3000 words. I have had a series of ‘accidental’ meetings lately with people shining their own light on this sort of topic, from all different angles – male and female – and will share those as I write them.. so the adventure can continue, and we can explore wider horizons.

  10. Of course you are right … its all right there, out in the open now and no one can miss the Divine mess that it is. In our deep hypnosis most of us have blindly accepted these insideous imbalanced energies, but no more, they are up and running and in our faces – and I am very grateful they are

    The mirrors blocking the Beauty we Are, are crystal clear now and if we are not running or distracting or sedating and allowing ourselves to really ‘feel’ everything that glares back at us we will quickly free ourselves from this ancient numbness and allow Who we Truly Are to simply shine.

    We have been gifted with instant transparency due to the high tech we’re all plugged into and can no longer escape the mess … again, I am exceedingly thankful because the authentic ‘us’ is bleeding through everywhere, flowers growing through the shit … “It’s the best of times and the worst of times” and its going to get much much better fast.

    1. Beautifully said, and so very true, I agree. We are on a super hi-rotation spin cycle of becoming transparent, having the poop come up, then overwhelm us, demand a sorting, then more clearing and more poop… it is beautiful and very, desperately grueling for some. Thank you for your comment here, and bringing this to the table. In my own life, as a write and in the yoga world, I feel like I am on a huge mountain – sometimes the air is fresh and heady and the pastures are full of wildflowers and fill my heart with delight – other times I am slogging away on exposed granite, being beaten by the sun, pecked at by vultures and ground into dust.
      It’s amazing how, when sometimes we come up with light and sweetness, we get ‘taken out’ by those who have allied themselves with forces that thrive on secrets and bullying. I’ve had a dose of that lately, and notice, over-overwhelmingly, that this is ALL being delivered at me by women. hmmmm…..

  11. Thank you for this insightful writing. I enjoyed your ability to fit so much of our collective story in. Have you write much about Rites of passage? And the role this could play to help reconnect our young and developed men and women at transitions to there own wings? After running men’s groups and being involved in a men’s wellbeing industry for many years this seems to be a very interesting concept for myself and one that (if done with integrity) would make a significant difference ?

  12. Thank you for a great read PFCgirl. I guess if I was in country, I’d definitely seek out a patch of jasmine too. Here in Imperial Beach, CA … I do my quiet sobbing at the shore, walking most of the time. I really look forward to following your look into the gender issues which you seem so senstive and intelligent about. Cheers, rj

  13. We all cry salty tears and bleed red blood.
    Thank you for your post!
    Some thoughts/offerings:
    Perhaps grief is one of the defining characteristics of these times? So much is being lost; extinctions, cultural identity, the list goes on…

    It is the truly strong who can allow themselves to be vulnerable. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable we give others permission to share deeper aspects of themselves.

    Acepting grief and pain can help free us; to act.

    I’m glad the MAP has been mentioned, and I would also like to suggest that you check out the Dark Mountain Project and the idea of uncivilisation.
    dark-mountain.net

    be well, Pohutukawa

    1. Yes, so…. what to do then?
      Where does the crying part fit in, when so much of the story right now, for those who want to change the story, is not so much fosuced on rallying against the tide, but more about becoming awesome?

      1. After somewhat of a think through I sort of remembered… Yes It would be nice if unpleasant things didn’t happen, but they do. And it would be nice if unpleasant things did happen that there would be someone that got moved to tears about it, and I guess that goes on as well a little bit. And all sort of variations on those two themes go on all the time. There’s a large spectrum, people are all over it some by choice, others not so much… I’m not sure what part of the spectrum would equal awesome, the no pain happening part ~ is that even possible? Or the no crying part, which might involve either being enlightened and understanding stuff with a ‘big mind’, or being so self absorbed as to appear narcissistic, downright heartless… Welcome to the Winner… Same as the Loser.

  14. I cry. I cry often. Not usually for a long time, and not usually the body-twisting gulp with streaming snot. I reserve that for my occasional bouts of despair. But I cry in front of or with my beloved, and I cry in front of a man or groups of men if I’m moved.

    I am loved, I know that. That’s awesome. It’s surprising and uplifting. My training from childhood taught me a different story, a story about isolation, about undeserving, about starving for love, about never good enough.

    I am trusted, I know that. That feels more important to me than being loved, although it all weaves together. But being trusted makes me stronger, teaches me what a man is, in the way that I understand what a man is, deep in my belly. It is deeply instinctual and completely archetypical. It makes me want to be even more worthy of trust.

  15. thankyou

    such a poignant piece and a reminder as i too often tend to jump on that feminist fanbelt of the tenderness of man

    you described him perfectly and i am blessed to have been raised on the land 2000 acres so know the harsh brick shithouse man well
    my father uncles grandfather
    and the rich soul tenderness that does so often go over or underlooked

    i will hold that frangipani vision next time i feel my back arch against masculine arrogance

    p.s i know it wasnt a frangipani..just came to my mind

    and wow. you spenttime with carolyn myss
    my intro to spirituality
    and she is a hard woman
    no beer and fluff there

    just wanted to say thankyou again

    your writing makes me cry

    tears are the drops of our ocea and i hope we can commu icate more

    love

    anna x

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